So I\u2019ve been helping.<\/p>\n

Or maybe not. It depends on whether you consider it helpful to reel off synonyms whose meanings are equally obscure.<\/p>\n

\u201cPerfunctory<\/em>,\u201d I coach Ally. \u201cYou know, pro forma<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

She rolls her eyes before returning to GRE for Dummies<\/em>. \u201cHow about diffident<\/em>?\u201d she asks.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, it\u2019s like . . . reticent<\/em> ,\u201d I stammer. \u201cI know what it means, I just don\u2019t know how to explain it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you even pronounce p-h-l-e-g-m-a-t-i-c<\/em>?\u201d Ally sighs.<\/p>\n

\u201cPhlegmatic<\/em>,\u201d I boast. \u201cIt either means calm or its opposite. I can never remember which. But isn’t phlegm related to bile, one of the dark humors? Oh, yeah, I think it means angry.\u201d<\/p>\n

For the record, it does not. Nor is Ally remaining phlegmatic.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about effete<\/em>?\u201d she asks, agitation rising in her voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cHmmm. Like \u2018Effete intellectual<\/em>.\u2019 Maybe elitist<\/em> or snobby<\/em>?\u201d I venture.<\/p>\n

Wrong again. Apparently Vice President Spiro Agnew was not back-hand-complimenting people of a certain persuasion on their braininess, but accusing them of \u201clacking in wholesome vigor; worn out.\u201d<\/p>\n

It occurs to me that not only am I a vocabulary snob: I am a vocabulary fraud. Like a smart person who passes for literate, I\u2019ve been pretending all these years.<\/p>\n

What new fad did I fall victim to during my formative years in the 60s? My ability to ferret out close-but-no-cigar meaning from the context suggests a whole-language approach. Probably some hippie-dippy, out-of-the-box, newfangled pedagogy. What I remember, though, is literally learning out of the box\u2014pulling those self-paced, color-coded flashcards from the big Scholastics box on the low tables of grade school. Kill-and-drill. But I loved it! I was a straight-A student, adept at that quintessential secret of success\u2014faking it.<\/p>\n

Now, as I help Ally with her own kill-and-drill cramming, even the words I\u2019m sure of turn out to be wrong. Take tenuous<\/em>, for example, as in, \u201cShe has a tenuous<\/em> grasp on reality.\u201d<\/p>\n

But the only definition GRE for Dummies<\/em> offers up is: \u201cthin; slim.\u201d As in, \u201cI wish I were tenuous.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Hmmm . . . maybe not. But I\u2019m excited to have learned new and proper usage. Now I can say with full confidence that my vocabulary is pretty:<\/p>\n