I’m thankful for Andy Borowitz, a political satirist who keeps me laughing through my tears with The Borowitz Report, whose tagline is “The news, reshuffled.” If you would like a frequent, faster-acting-than-Jon-Stewart-or-Stephen-Colbert dose of humor delivered to your inbox, you should subscribe immediately. In the meantime, I will try channeling Borowitz here, for a Thanksgiving offering of sincere Imitation Flattery. But really, you’d be better off with the real thing. Happy Thanksgiving! 

*

WASHINGTON, D.C. In a new twist on an old tradition, President Obama extended the annual Thanksgiving pardon to an entire class of turkeys—the two-thirds of eligible voters who failed to vote in the recent mid-term elections. “As I said in my press conference the morning after the election,” the President said, “I hear those of you who chose not to participate. Now I want you to hear me.  I am extending a second chance, and I expect you to take full advantage of it by exercising your franchise.”

Republicans were swift to condemn the President.  Governor Rick Perry of Texas, presidential hopeful and a supporter of the Lone Star State’s efforts to restrict voting, said, “How dare he inject politics into this holiday ritual? The Republicans would never dream of scolding those who stayed home on Election Day. Matter of fact, in keeping with the spirit of the season, we are very grateful.”

Speaker of the House John Boehner went even further in expressing his displeasure. “President Obama’s massive amnesty is just one more example of executive overreach,” the Speaker pronounced.

The White House declined to get embroiled in the controversy. Asked whether President Obama had abused his holiday prerogative, Press Secretary Josh Earnest had only this to say: “As the President has made clear, he is simply pardoning a whole lot of turkeys this Thanksgiving.”